Stories from Women who Left
Some women affected by coercive control have been kind enough to share vignettes of their stories with us. We include excerpts below, with permission, in the hopes that they clarify the experiences of women living with coercive control.
Breaking point
The day I got a raise at work, I waited as long as I could not to tell him. Two days later he threatened to kill me in front of the kids, and he told the children they weren’t even his biological children (untrue). I called the police, and he somehow became so charming and calm, and talked his way out of any consequences. I got a lawyer that day and left the house as soon as I made sure I would have joint custody of the children. -EM
Co-parenting
Even thought we’ve been legally divorced for over a year, and we’ve been in parenting therapy, he refuses to be a cooperative co-parent. Nothing I do will get him to discuss big decisions for our child, create a plan for raising him, or agree on acceptable behavior. Instead, he makes those rules unilaterally, and our child suffers. It feels like there’s a double standard about the set of rules for him a co-parent and the set of rules for me, and no consequences to him for breaking any of the rules on paper. -FA
“Does he cook dinner?”
My best friend told me I needed to talk to a domestic abuse counselor. I went in and started talking with the women at the clinic, telling her about my experiences with my boyfriend. At one point I said “I’m not sure any of this can be considered abuse…” and she cut me off to ask “Does he cook dinner?” Yes, every night. How did you know? “What you are dealing with is coercive control. It may not be abuse yet, but I don’t think it is worth it to wait around to see if it ends up as abuse.” She helped me put a name to the mind games and get out before they got worse. -NF
I changed my passwords.
When he really started terrorizing me at home, he let slip that he knew I was searching online for “definitions of domestic abuse” and he said I was abusing him. I realized he was spying on me online and I changed my passwords and made sure I was in incognito mode whenever doing searches. I made a new email address and only used it at the public library computers. I felt for so long I couldn’t keep anything from him, but I realized I am allowed to when my safety is at stake. -JC
Planning for financial abuse.
Right after I asked for a divorce, he decided “owning property” for a family getaway would be a great idea to heal our relationship, and convinced me to buy a property months before we actually filed for divorce. This property then became “marital property” and he walked away with half of the proceeds from the sale — I lost so much money. -JM